Let's talk about Grief

Why do we find it so difficult to speak to someone when they are bereaved? We are all going to be in that position at some point in our lives but we appear to avoid that thought all costs. When my husband Steve died earlier this year, I could see the difficulty on people’s faces trying to find the words to speak to me. 

Although he had been ill with kidney failure for a few years he had gone into hospital for a live donor transplant so it was a shock when he died suddenly under anaesthetic.  

In my professional life I provide mental health awareness training, I feel that the lack of positive language we have around mental health impacts on people starting a MH conversation as they fear saying the wrong thing and as I have found this year we seem to have the same problems around grief.  Read More 

I am not trying to blame people for feeling uncomfortable or chastise them for their clumsy attempts but just open up the discussion so we can all feel more able to be there for a bereaved friend, family member or colleague.  

Nothing you can say is going to make this better, or take away the pain but showing your compassion can make people feel less alone and adrift. I had times when I saw people in the street, who would try to avoid me- I’m sure no malice intended but they just did not know how to act or what to say.  

I had people who stopped messaging me, where before it had been quite regular- maybe they thought that would give me the space I needed. I may have needed space, I didn’t really know what I needed, not sure I do now but I do know when the phone stops buzzing you feel neglected and abandoned.  

In the early days of numbness and disbelief I don’t remember too much but I do remember a neighbour who just kindly said- “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, anything I can do however small ask, anytime” She then gave me hug and shared a memory of Steve helping her. She wasn’t trying to make it better or wrap it up neatly in a parcel or say it will be ok- she was just being there.  

But so many people tried to someone make it better- at least you have your family, at least he went quickly, at least he didn’t know. I just wanted to scream “but I just want him here and I don’t care about anything else at this moment. The grief hurts, it physically hurts and I don’t know how to make this pain go away. “ 

Amazingly some of the people who were most supportive were old friends of Steve who I didn’t even know, they reached out to me and kept reaching out- some of them still doing it now 8 months on. Just the occasional text asking how I am, offering practical support and also sharing their memories of Steve. This is another important support, people often feel talking about him will upset me so avoid mentioning his name, it can feel as though no one else remembers or he never really existed.   

Talking about your loved one after they have gone can be comforting, of course it can make you sad but it can make you smile remembering happier times. I also want to remember him as he was, flaws and all, that’s what made him the man I loved. None of us are perfect and no marriage is, we had very challenging times and differences and it's good to talk about those, not to turn him into a saint in death that he wasn’t in life. He would have laughed at the thought!  

There are those people who let me cry or others who feel uncomfortable when I do, they need to make that better but it just stops me showing my emotions and keeps them bottled in. There were times when I just want people to think for me, take me somewhere, make a decision for me or just keep picking up the phone to say hi or turning up to chat- you don’t need to have the answers, who does? but by talking it gives me the opportunity to keep processing this overwhelming loss and huge change to my daily life.

Eight months after Steve’s death it's not as raw as in those first few months but in other ways it's harder as the reality of my new life, one that I didn’t choose hits home and I try to start again. Those family and friends who are still there listening to me and nurturing me back to life are very precious. I have days when it feels impossible and days when I want to take on the world, but never days when I don’t miss him. 

I think the most important way you can help anyone grieving is to be genuine, show compassion, be there and just listen. If you know someone who is grieving, whether its recent or 30 years ago reach out, talk to them, ask them how they are, talk about their loved one and really listen. You may never know the difference you make but you will make a difference, you will help someone feel less alone- connections can change a life.